On the couch with Optimus Prime
by Prander
Summary: In the continuing series, Optimus unloads. Could this be his bad day? Thanks for the feedback and reviews! Hope this brings ya a laugh. Thanks for the feedback and reviews and please check out my profile or forum for a personal thank you. :)


Manuscript of audio recording from Timothy M. Kline. PsyD. April 11th 2012. Session # 341

"So Optimus. How have things been going for you?"

"**Fine."**

"Just fine? Is everything at Autobots headquarters been going well? Nothing new to report?"

"**No."**

"Optimus, we've talked about your inability to express your feelings. It's called 'internalizing'. You take way to much on yourself in the name of others."

"**Yes."**

"Agreeing with me isn't going to make it go away, Optimus. Remember. Even you need a place to unwind and let it out. Rest assured your Autobot warriors need never know."

"**..."**

"Prime. I know this can be hard but I have sensed building stress levels in you as of late."

"**Weeell..."**

"Go ahead Optimus. You'll feel better."

"**Sometimes...you know it's like...it's like they _never _listen to me."**

"Go on. That's a good start."

"**My warriors come from mostly scientists, workers and civilians. But you know...just once..."**

"Yes?"

"**Just once I wish I had some honest to God _soldiers_. We can be right in the middle of a shoot out with Decepticons and...well...they can't hit _any _thing."**

"Go on. This is good for you. Let it out."

"**I mean...what's with all the spray and pray, Autobots?"**

"Keep going. Please."

"**And if I point something out? Take cover, Autobots! Look out, Autobots! Don't go over there, Autobots! What do they do? They stand up and rubber neck. I mean, why do they _do that_?"**

"Maybe they..."

"**What are they gonna do? Take a picture? Oh look, it's Devastator. Say cheese!"**

"Yes. Well...have you tried pointing out these dangers?"

"**Like a broken record. And you would think the _threat_ potential of a Decepticon like Devastator would be a little _obvious._ But noooo. He has to start kicking them around like garden gnomes before they wise up and get out of the way."**

*ahem* "So...Optimus maybe what's needed here is..."

"**And that's not the half of it. Meanwhile back at base? Wheeljack or Hoist or someone else has decided to fix something that wasn't broken. Tools all over the place. Stuff all pulled apart. I swear, if I _don't _want them to do something, I should _tell them to do it _if you take my meaning."**

"Umm...would you care to elaborate?"

"**It doesn't matter what I say, Doctor. It's like I'm their mother. Well Prime _said_ no, but he didn't really _mean_ it. What do you think? Let's do it anyway! Ok! Yay!"**

"Optimus, don't you think that maybe..."

"**_No _Grapple, I _don't _want you to build that. It could be stolen by the Decepticons and used to burn a hole through the planet. And what did he go and do?"**

"Umm...he built it?"

"**He fuckin' built it! He took off, started building it way out where somewhere I wouldn't know about it. But guess who found out before I did, hmmm? Sure enough,_ they _stole it. _We_ had to stop them...and the damn thing had to be blown up anyway, just like I said."**

"Perhaps..."

"**Why doesn't anybody _listen _to me? Do I have to ground them or something?"**

"Do you still secretly feel that maybe your human counterparts are a bad influence?"

"**..."**

"Prime?"

"**Well..._yes_, now that you mention it. They're in the way. Ok? There I said it. _They're in the way._ We rescued them from a burning oil rig and I was like "Okay, your welcome. All part of the job." But then they up and follow us home and I get the puppy-dog eyes with all this "Can we keep em' Optimus? Pleeeease!" And now? Well let's just say that some days I don't _feel_ like watching my step."**

"But this partnership should help your warriors learn the value of responsibility, yes?"

"**You would think so. But nooo. They let them wander around like free-range guinea pigs. Always pokin' around in something that they have no clue how it works. Takin' shit that doesn't belong to them. There sits Teletran One. The last working cybertronian computer. Who installed a screensaver? Oh gee, lemme guess. What the hell is Netflix?!"**

"You mean Sparkplug and Spike?"

"**Dumb and dumber and their nerdy buddy, Chip. I wish he would 'roll out' sometimes and** _**go the fuck home."**_

"Optimus!"

"**It's the truth." **(sigh) **"We have a finite amount of Cybertronian tech left to salvage from our ship. Finite. Bad enough my own Autobots want to make their tinker-toys all the time but now the humans just help themselves too. They even had a hand in creating the Dinobots."**

"_Ohh no_."

"**Yeah that's right. I'm going to bring it up again. So what? You wanted me to let it out. The Dinobots. Hey gang let's not make something useful, like say, oh, a few _flying _Autobots. Let's make something slow and stupid that want's to bite my head off."**

"Prime I think as far as how you feel about..."

"**And Spike stood there with that stupid grin on his face like 'Gee Opteemus, look at what I can do!' Then the Dino's stomped around, broke a bunch of shit and we locked them in the closet. Great jobs, guys!"**

"Optimus you need to stay calm. I think we should..."

"**Wheeljack? Sometimes I would like to punch him right in his stupid head. Maybe next time I'll be a little late to stop him. Maybe next time I'll let him stick the fork in the power outlet. Maybe if he blows his _head off,_ he'll learn his gawdamn lesson."**

"Optimu..."

"**Ironhide? Bitch bitch bitch. Ratchet? I'm the medic but I couldn't cure rust! Brawn? Let's go into battle without a gun! Bumblebee? Over here! Catch me if you can! Ok, they caught me. Trailbreaker? You gonna eat that? Oh nom nom nom! Cliffjumper? I got this, Prime! HELP!"**

"Prime it's not helping that..."

"**Mirage? I don't like this, I better hide! Hound? We're robots in disguise so I choose a weaponized army jeep! Yeah no one will notice_ that._ Jazz? Turn that shit down! Oh, you can't hear me gee I wonder why. Tracks and Skids.? The diva and the soccer mom."**

"Maybe we should..."

"**Sunstreaker and Sideswipe? We just had a manicure, do we have toooo? Inferno? What good are _you, _huh? Do we _look _flammable? He and his paranoid buddy Red Alert only race to an emergency _after _it happens. Smokescreen? Well we don't even need to guess what's irritating about _him_."**

"Prime..."

"**And all the rest! Come on Optimus, it's not that bad! We didn't mean it! We didn't think! We're sorry! It won't happen again! That will just buff out. Can you cut the crust off my sandwich? BULLSHIT!"**

"_Optimus!"_

"**What?!"**

"Please, we need to..."

"**And again let's not forget the Dino-dolts! We're to dumb to live! Is that a tar pit? WHOOPS! They splashed right on in like it was a bird bath for cryin' out loud."**

"Jesus Christ." (sigh)

"**And Grimlock? It's always 'Me Grimlock better leedurr than Optimus! Me Grimlock strongest Autobot!' I swear I'd just like to say 'Come at me, bro! The gloves are off now, mother fucker! I'm gonna slap you around like a red-headed step child! You're gonna see why the dinosaurs became extinct when I 'roll out' up and down your dumb ass!"**

"I think..."

"**What? What?! You think what? You think_ you _have the answers? You know what I think? For three hundred dollars an hour YOU can sit there and shut the fuck up. Huh? How about that?!"**

"Ok. We're done here."

(door opening)

"**Where you goin'? Huh? Where you goin', Doc? Why dontcha do something useful and invent Ritalin for Autobots! Would that help? What are _you _looking at Miss Pentree? How do you like the Doc's time-share cabin I've been paying for? Does your husband know about you two? No one ever listens to me! Megatron was right. You 'fleshlings' can kiss my fuckin'..."**

(Audio abruptly ends)

CLASSIFIED: OPTIMUS PRIME. PRIORITY ALPHA LEVEL CLEARENCE ONLY.11653.


End file.
